WHY DOES THE ANGELS’ SHARE EXIST?

Not long after I turned eighteen, I had an experience that triggered such intense anxiety it felt like my very being was coming apart. I spent months in this state, even experiencing episodes of derealization as I struggled to make sense of what was happening and why I should suddenly have had my world upended. The exact details are relatively unimportant; what I came to learn after going to my school guidance counselor and being referred to a psychologist was that I was suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. While we should not identify with a diagnosis, it was helpful to at least understand what I was dealing with. That at least set me on what became an extremely long and winding path to discovering the concept of recovery. Over the next sixteen years, though, I would ultimately leave talk therapy as it was only providing reassurance and layering compulsions. I spent most of my life toggling between internal states of intense anxiety and practicing avoidance of whatever might trigger that anxiety and "living above the neck" in a state of pseudo-detachment so I wouldn’t have to experience the brunt of those sensations. I got degrees, made friends, worked, essentially functioned as a "normal" person, but my internal environment was always driving my behavior as I reacted to or away from whatever thoughts or sensations the false alarms in my brain and body would send.

As it happened, around mid-2022, I happened upon this video and learned that: 1) what I was experiencing was actually a "kind" of OCD and most of my compulsions were happening right in my head; 2) it wasn’t any different than any other "kind" of OCD; and 3) wait…what? Did he just say someone could get over OCD? I was always told this was chronic. I spent the next half year researching and "lone wolfing" some potpourri idea of "recovery," mostly just spiking anxiety and ruminating in my head, subjecting myself to needless distress in the thought I was somehow getting better. After another episode in December of that year, I was feeling almost as bad as ever, and I said to my wife, "I can’t live like this anymore." I needed real help, and if recovery were indeed possible, I needed guidance—and thankfully I found a great program.

We’ll set that narrative down here for a second to address what exactly this has to do with a music website. I’ve talked about the genesis of the name and the impetus for starting the site a few times in interviews, such as with Tamara Harris of Kick Mag, and that is in essence the origin story. But the real driving force behind the decision was that as my journey to recovery progressed, it became about shifting the focus as Mark Freeman puts it from getting to giving. What did I want to create and bring into the world? What did I want to build rather than react to or shy away from? Certainly there would be occasions to explore the intersection of mental health and music where relevant and appropriate (such as my Beartooth and Many Eyes reviews, where those releases really resonated with me as I’ve "explored the wilderness" on my journey), and this would be an opportunity for me to share what I’ve learned about mental health and mental fitness. Beyond that, though, it’s also about having the chance to talk to and about artists I believe in, to animate my efforts with positive energy, and most crucially to both live according to my values and explore building community through the site and around music. Community and values have been crucial as I’ve moved toward recovery. It is about creating the life we want to live, one not made small by fear but nourished and grown through care and consideration; it is about moving toward the things we want to see in this world. This is why The Angels’ Share exists.